“Rise and shine, my little prisoner. Today is a big day!”
The lights came back on and Spook’s eyes fluttered open. He could feel a kink in his lower back. Sleeping up against the wall of a tube wasn’t very comfortable. “Unck. These tubes are terrible for sleeping in!”
“Well I didn’t exactly design them to be a nice bed.”
“Yeah, but if you’re going to leave people in them overnight you could at least make them a tad bigger so there is some leg room. Do you have plans on putting people in these tubes often?”
The villain paced around the Faderulzene® tube. “Hmm–maybe. I haven’t fully decided yet.”
“Just a suggestion.”
“Duly noted. Thank you for your input. Anyway, did you have a good DREAM session?”
Spook grumbled and rubbed his eyes. He stood up slowly; his entire body felt slow and heavy. “I don’t remember my dreams often. What does it matter anyway, villain? Can’t we just get to the part where you reveal your villainous plot and then I kick the tar out of you because I’m the hero and you’re the villain?”
“Okay, dude, you said villain or some form of it like three times. You really need to work on your redundancy problems.”
“My question still stands.”
Dr. Faded walked to a control panel and started pressing buttons. “Then to answer it, no. I’m kind of an old-fashioned villain in this regard; I like to draw it out a little for dramatic effect.”
“Damn it.”
He scanned the view-screen, nodding at a few figures with a smile. “Perfect. He finished reading the screen and faced the hero. “Anyway, I wasn’t asking if you had a good dream. I asked if you had a good DREAM session. DREAM is an acronym for the gas that you’ve been breathing in all night. Remember my story about the mutagenic chemicals I stole from the Gaussberg Chemical Disposal plant? DREAM was designed by modifying those very same chemicals.”
“And how was I supposed to know it was an acronym?”
Dr. Faded ignored Spook’s actual question and answered the question he felt that should have been asked. “DREAM stands for Deamination Reagent Eventually Allowing Metamorphosis. It’s absorbed through the lungs when you respire and eventually passed through the blood. You may have noticed that you feel slightly heavier than normal. That is to be expected as DREAM is heavier than normal blood cells. Given the amount you’ve breathed in I’d say you should feel about three pounds heavier than normal. Not much but you’d definitely notice the change.”
“De-animation? You’re going to make me stop moving?”
“No! DeaMINation. It’s a mutagenic process where a guanine-cytosine base pair can be transformed into an adenine-thymine base pair. Most cases of deamination are random mutations to a person’s genetic code and as such cause complications. But DREAM can be custom designed to fit a specific person so you can change their DNA as you desire. You just have to have a DNA sample from the person you desire to change.”
Spook’s eyes went wide. “You’re changing my DNA‽”
Dr. Faded put his hands in his pockets. “No.”
“Whew!”
“I’m GOING to change your DNA.”
“You just said you weren’t going to.”
“No, I didn’t. I said I wasn’t currently changing your DNA. But I will be shortly. There’s a difference.”
“I thought you said I had already been breathing in this DREAM stuff all night. Isn’t that the stuff that de-animates my DNA or whatever?”
“Again, not de-animate; it’s deaMINate. Work on your pronunciation. And yes, it is the stuff that will change your DNA but it’s inert. That’s why the E in DREAM is ‘eventually.’ If it happened immediately the acronym would have been DRAM.”
Spook rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’d be just horrible if the acronym didn’t match up with a cute little word.”
“Indeed.”
“So if the DREAM is inert, what is it exactly that activates it?”
Dr. Faded smiled and pulled his hands out of his pockets; in his left hand was a large syringe filled with a pinkish liquid. “Just a little bit of honey.”
“That doesn’t look like honey.”
“Ah, another astute observation. Honey is just the short version of the real acronym, HONIE-F.”
“Geez, another acronym? Do you give stupid acronyms for everything you invent?”
Dr. Faded started shaking the syringe. The pinkish liquid turned more of a fuchsia color. “No, just whenever I feel like it. These acronyms aren’t the easiest thing to create either. Anyway, HONIE-F stands for Heredity Overriding Nano-machines Imitating Endocrinal Functions.”
“I’m going to have to endure another explanation, aren’t I?”
“Yes. You see, what looks like just a simple gelatin is actually millions of little cell-sized machines built out of simple proteins. Normally, the immune system would try to destroy them as soon as they entered the body but they are designed to look like normal bodily hormones. Quite ingenious if I do say so myself.”
“Yeah, you’re a real Einstein.”
The mad scientist adjusted his goggles. “You know, you really should feel quite honored.”
“Is that so?”
“It is! You see, the DREAM gas has to be specially formulated to the DNA it’s going to eliminate. It’s a process that takes weeks! You have been all I’ve been working on for a month. From the time I got the first sample of your DNA to now, everything has been designed for this moment.”
Spook squinted. “How on earth did you get a sample of my DNA?”
Dr. Faded laughed. “Please, Daniel! You’re a shipping manager who works in a mail room for one of the biggest companies in Pinnacle City; you leave your DNA everywhere.”
The hero grumbled. “Your point is well made. Still, what do you gain by changing my DNA?”
The villain smirked. “Ah, now we get to the main event. The ever so predictable, ‘why are you doing this?’ segment of the bad guy/good guy dialogue. It is an ever so diabolical plan, dear hero. Very well, this plan has two benefits for me. You see, both DREAM and HONIE-F are untested in humans. You’re my guinea pig.”
“Guinea pig‽ I’m a human being, you monster!”
“No, you’re a super human. You might have gained your powers by experimentation anyway.”
“Experimentation? What experiment would give me the ability to phase through solid matter and possess people?”
Faded shrugged. “Could be anything really. Could be a time travel device blows up letting you move out of phase with space-time. Or perhaps someone was trying to take readings on some mystical item designed to help ferry spirits to the afterlife. Or maybe you were just bitten by a radioactive ghost. But at any rate, you’re my guinea pig. Should this experiment prove successful I can produce less, how we say, illegal versions of DREAM’s genetic altering abilities and honey’s nano-technology on the open market and make a killing.”
“Why on earth does a villain care about the open market?”
With a tug, Dr. Faded pulled his gloves tighter. “Super-villainy has a large overhead. Large overhead costs require large sums of cash. Large sums of cash are most easily gained not by stealing, but by legitimate business. Did you heroes think you’re the only ones with secret identities?”
“Well—I mean I didn’t think heroes were the only ones who had them but… okay, I guess I have to concede that point to you.”
He cackled. “You heroes assume too much.”
“Okay, so you need a test subject. But any random shmo off the street would have sufficed for your experiment. Why did you decide on using someone with super-powers?”
“Ah, a very shrewd question, Spook. To answer your question you must understand a bit of the organization of the Villains’ Union. Much like how DEVO has different classes of heroes, the VUA has various levels. Right now I am a Phi-level villain and have been so for over a year and a half now. I would like to move up to Chi-level but that is impossible currently.”
“Why is that?”
An evil flash of light glinted of Faded’s goggles. “From Sigma-level up to Phi-level, you advance based only upon the principles of time served and villainous competence. To advance to the next level, one must prove you also have the ability to lead—and part of the leadership qualities is I must have an honest to goodness minion… preferably sexy female ones with super powers.”
Spook’s hands clenched into fists. “And what does that have to do with me?” Dr. Faded pulled a remote control from his pocket. He pressed a small red button and Spook felt an electrical surge coursed up through the floor and into his body. “GRG!” It wasn’t immensely painful, but he could feel all his muscles tighten to the point of not moving. “What…is…” Even his lips froze.
With another press of the remote control, the Faderulzene® tube lifted off the ground. Freedom was so close; but Spook couldn’t move a muscle or force his body to become incorporeal. “DREAM has this wonderful property I worked into it. You see, once it is in the system, if I send the right amount of voltage into your body, it reacts in such a way that you can’t send the proper signals from your brain to your body to move. You’ll find it also interferes with your ability to control your powers.”
Firmly in control of the situation, the villain fearlessly approached Spook with the needle of “honey.” He tapped on the heroes left wrist, looking for a good vein. “You see, Spook, I wanted a minion with powers that could prove quite useful as well as be interesting to study. As I previously stated, the nature of your powers are quite a mystery to me, so that fulfills the interesting to study aspect. As for useful,” he chuckled, “being able to move through solid material is always useful.”
The mad scientist pushed the syringe into Spook’s arm and pressed the plunger down slowly. “Once I decided that you were to be my minion, I needed to devise a way to turn you into a sexy female. To that end I created DREAM and modified the nano-technology I already possessed to make ‘honey.’ All that remained was to determine how to, shall we say, domesticate a former hero into doing my bidding.”
An unpleasant grating sensation entered Spook’s body, like grains of sand rubbing against the linings of his blood vessels. “The pain will subside as the ‘honey’ dissipates throughout your system.” Dr. Faded pulled the syringe out and placed it on a tray. He then opened up a small metal box, pulling out what looked like a purple microchip. “Remember yesterday how I told you about that chip I stole from Gaussberg University that was used to control wild animals? I modified it until it could be used to control something a little more complex than a cat. I call it the BABE-R chip. And yes, BABE-R an acronym Brain, Attitude, Body, and Emotion Regulator chip. I am going to place it on your upper spinal chord and it will act as a router for your brain systems to help me regulate what you do and to control the nano-machines that are now running alongside your red blood cells.”
Faded pressed a button on his goggles. “Now, as to how I’m going to get this chip on your spinal chord. I’m going to have the nanomachines send a signal to your brain to go incorporeal, then immediately the nanomachines will cancel that order. If my theories are correct, and they usually are, this should cause only the dermal layer of your body to be incorporeal for a few seconds. I will then use my x-ray feature on my goggles to make sure that I place the Babe-chip in the right spot. Now, I must warn you that the effect will only last for a few seconds so if I don’t work quickly enough there is a chance your skin could become solid while I’m still working through it. If that happens we both will be regretting it. Also, there is a very minute, but nevertheless non-zero chance that in doing this your skin might just fall off your body, in which case you will die a horribly painful death. Again, it’s an incredibly remote chance, but I thought it only fair to warn you.”
This was not good at all. Spook tried to remember what the Department of Enhanced Vigilante Oversight field book said about situations like this. Step one was activating your emergency alert signal—which of course Dr. Faded had wisely confiscated as soon as he had been knocked out. Step two was engaging your foe in conversation as long as possible to delay him or her—which he couldn’t talk right now because he was paralyzed. Spook was beginning to see the situation was out of his hands.
An unfamiliar tingle reverberated throughout Spook’s body. He could feel something turning on his intangibility against his will, only to then deny his body from doing so. His skin turned onyx and he prayed it didn’t fall off as Dr. Faded had warned was possible.
“Ah, excellent! Seems your intangibility is indeed based upon quantum principles. Now this should only take a second. First I just need to destroy your pain receptors where this is going so that you don’t go mad from the constant pressure the chip will apply.” A terrible sting seared at the top of Spook’s neck as a syringe plunged into his spine. He wanted to scream but couldn’t muster his muscles to do so. Then the pain stopped. “There we go. And now, we install the BABE-R chip… make contact with the nerves…” With no pain, the remaining sensation of a hand moving along his spine was just—fuzzy was the only word he could think to describe it. Then again that could have just been his brain craving the oxygen it wasn’t getting because his muscles were frozen and hadn’t breathed for a little over a minute.
“All done!” Faded tapped his goggles again to turn off the x-ray feature. He stepped away from Spook and pressed a button, bringing the Faderulzene® tube back around the paralyzed hero. With another button press on the remote control, the electricity coming from the floor stopped, freeing his muscles. Spook collapsed to the ground, panting for air like never before. Dr. Faded laughed. “Oh yeah, I forgot that you wouldn’t be able to breath without use of your muscles. Silly me.”
Spook glared daggers at him. “You pant are a pant madman!”
Faded folded his arms, amused. “Am I now?”
“You plan to use your nanomachines to turn me into a woman?”
Faded shook his head. “No, I plan to use my nanomachines to turn you into an especially curvy, buxom, and delicious woman. Big difference.”
Spook grit his teeth together. “But why? If you could control me with this chip like you claim, why go to the effort to change my DNA?”
Folding his arms, Dr. Faded simply smiled. “Because, foolish hero, if I kept you the same, people would recognize you. Plus, I’m a villain and good villains are surrounded by sexy minions. It really makes a lot of sense if you’d just stop and think about it.”
Spook stood up and pounded his fist against the tube. “You’ll never get away with this, Faded!”
Dr. Faded shook his head. “I’ll never get away with it? Really? So cliché. But if you wish that to be your last words as a super hero, then so be it. Babe-R Zero: Activate. Authorization code delta-thirty-six. Register Administrator as Dr. Faded.”
The hero could feel the chip on the back of his spine spring to life. “Not good!” The villain snapped and a light purple mist filled the chamber. “What the hell is this gas for?”
“It eats away at clothing. Your body is going to be doing lots of shifting so for your comfort we’re just going to do away with clothing until you’re finished with your metamorphosis. Also it will obscure what’s going on inside the tube to keep you decent.” Faded chuckled. “Shall we begin? Initiate Process Velvet!”
Spook punched the tube as his superhero uniform began falling apart. “Eat away at my clothing? Do you realize how long it took me to make this costume?” He could feel the millions of nanomachines inside his body come to life.
“I don’t know? Ten minutes from the looks of it. Did you buy it all at a thrift store or something?”
“It took me hours to design that thing! I’m on a limited budget you…” Spooks hands and feet lost their calluses. His body hair fell to the ground as his skin lightened to a very faint peach. Goosebumps popped up over his suddenly supple skin. “…you… brrr, did it just get colder in here?”
“I’m sure it would seem so from your perspective. I must warn you that this next process might be a bit of a shock for you.”
“What process?”
Dr. Faded activated his x-ray goggled. “Initiate Process Plumbing.”
Spook was overcome with a feeling of nausea. Dizziness threatened to overcome him, so he braced himself against the wall of the tube. After a few moments, the sensation passed. He sighed but something still felt very wrong. He looked down and quickly discovered what wasn’t right.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“Thirteen point seven seconds between process beginning and ending judging by that sound.”
“You son of a BITCH! Change it back! Change it back or I’m going to…”
Faded grabbed a clipboard and began writing something on a piece of paper. “Hmm, that process took much shorter than I thought it would. Nanomachines must be more efficient than I previously estimated. Initiate Process Junk-In-Trunk.”
“…and then feed it to… did you just say ‘Process Junk-In-Trunk’?”
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Comment from grover
Time August 7, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Wow this is fun! Looks like Umbra is going to have some adjusting to do.
grover